«In the arms of the void»

Six months ago, I lost a child.

All this time, from that very moment of loss and even now, I have been monitoring my internal substance, recording my heavy feelings, trying to give them a name, accepting them. Every time I'm feeling pain It seems to me that I look at myself from the outside.

I remember very well the day I got to the hospital. Fear. Panic. Negation of what is happening. The point  of no return was the phrase in the ultrasound diagnostics' room: «Condolences, but the pregnancy froze three weeks ago.»

At that very moment my life was divided into «before» and «after.» They calmed me down and said that I am young enough and still have time to give birth. But none of them could have even imagined what was happening in the soul of a woman who had lost her child.

I was taken to the operating room. In front of my eyes a 20 years old girl was brought there after the operation of cleansing a frozen pregnancy. She was still under anesthesia. Her body fell down on the bed like a piece of meat. She came to herself for a long time. She was calling her baby and it was hard and scary to see. For a minute I forgot about myself, I felt her pain and I could not hold back the tears. The loss has no face, age, number of children before birth. At this moment we are equal.

A little bit later they came for me. While I was lying on the operating table, I saw a moth flying into the window. It circled and flew away. Fear let me go.

Many feelings have already become dull, but I still remember how I was feeling when they had left ​me alone with my fear of emptiness.
I still remember how my body emptied, how the veil of anesthesia changed my life forever. I still remember how I was gripped by the feeling of despair, powerlessness over my own body.

My project is an opportunity to visualize my fears, overcome them, and accept what happened. When people tell me «You are strong! You are brave to talk about it» I think about that girl in the hospital ward and many other women who lost their children and I want to support  every single woman and to help survive the loss by my own example.